I wanted to be smart enough to keep from getting fat..

Here it is December 14, 2012 and there has been a shooting at a Connecticut school.  20 children lost their lives and 6 teachers one of which was the shooter's mother and the shooter who also killed his brother before starting the rampage.  When President Obama talked about it on TV he cried and became choked up.  (BTW...I love President Obama!) What pushes a person so far that this is their choice to go into a room of kindergarten students and open fire.  Did your mom really piss you off that much?  Are you jealous that she spends time with those kids and did not spend any time with you.  Did she make your girlfriend get an abortion?  I can not believe that somewhere in this kid's world that somebody did not see that he was loosing it.  Did his brother struggle with him over the guns...I am at a loss...crying in public...because I do not have a television...and I was in the midst of writing out my Christmas cards...in light of the shootings I lost my hohoho spirit and had to stop writing out the cards.  What I did do is go get an eggnog latte and 'paid it forward' by buying the next person's coffee.  Should have left a bigger tip.  Next time. 

So, what spurred me on to start writing in my neglected blog?  I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of weight...and the oppression of it all.  Since my last entry I have gained even more weight...now weigh as much as 3 healthy women...awesome.  My scale stopped reading my weight so I currently do not have a clue where I am at.  I do know that I have put myself into a self-induced jail.  A jail...how can that be?  There are no bars around my windows...but I am barred from enjoying some of life's little perks...like skiing, skating, dancing more than half a dance, roller coaster and other carnival rides, seats at events in theaters, going to soccer matches and on and on.  I currently can not remember where I made the discovery that I had placed my self and my soul into a self imposed jail. I am smart enough to not be this fat.  I know the health risks. I know what I should eat and not eat.  I know I should work out, walk, dance, swim, be healthy.  I feel like I have given up.

 Being alone (other than my doggers) does not help.  I am looking at the holidays with such ambiguity that it is not even funny.  Thought I would go to Portland to see the kiddos...but they are lost in their own ambivalence.  An unfinished kitchen, health, relationship, brother still living at house, gumption...
(I just discovered I have been using ambiguous incorrectly...it should be ambivalent)  I have thrown a  couple of different ideas on the table...go to the coast and rent a house...look at the ocean.  I like this idea because yesterday I overheard a gal who is maybe 4-6 years younger than me say that she has never seen the ocean and would really like to.  Wow...wrapping my head around that was tough.  I can not even imagine it.  Or seeing the Grand Canyon or NYC.  There are some places that need to be seen, breathed in...the ocean is a definite.  Well that option has not been responded to and there were only a few  houses available.  Yesterday morning when I awoke to a bluebird day with sun making the snow shine like a bedazzled pillow I texted my nephew-in-law about a trip to Montana for Christmas.  He has never been here in the winter and I coaxed with a trip to the cabin, bonfire, cowboy coffee, cross country skiing, snowmobiling, hot pots in Yellowstone NP, dog sledding, shredding at Bridger Bowl or Big Sky or both, games, family time...alas not a peep.  His mother died unexpectedly last spring and I thought a trip with fun and family would be good for his soul since he is beyond frustrated with the kitchen nonsense and other stuff that he decides to back burner and burn one instead.   With no interest in either of my suggestions...the complacency is difficult to wade through.  Do not want to be alone...do not want to sit and watch TV...and then I think about the families in Connecticut and realize I am just being a selfish B.  Their choice was taken away from them. 

I am floating on a sea of ....do not even know how to finish it.  Moving on...

When my Papa Bear was my age...I was 16.  He still worked 6 graveyards a week, took care of my mom and me and my other siblings that even though they were out of the house still needed his time or his money...which there was not much of either one.  My point is...I need to get off my ass.  There is so much living to do.  He did have a family and business and kiddos and a wonderful granddaughter that needed him.  Having those responsibilities probably kept him going.  Lately I just do not feel like doing anything.  Where have my dreams gone.  I planted them in the garden and they have failed to sprout...I desire to travel but because I am a jailbird I can not even fit my ass onto a plane seat....


Enough...I need to figure this shit out...get smart!!  Smart enough to loose the weight and keep it off!!

Over one year has taken off and is getting ready to land

Well over a whole year has passed since these sausages have hit the key board...wanted to try it out to see if it still fits...yep it does. It is the 5th of September...sunny and peaceful. So, instead of writing today I am going to put on my sneakers and head up to my cabin and see how she is doing...it has been over a year since I have been there. Been toying with some book/writing ideas...old movie theatres in small towns and the role they play in their community. And..hhmmm what was the other one...hhhmmm not sure but it will come to me. ttfn

Skipped a day...

I was on a road to now where.... cruising through the high mountain deserts of Wyoming with my two little doggers. No book on tape..just radio and cds. Actually made it home just fine. Went to Old Chicago with my girlfriends for a late birthday celebration...had a great time...much laughter, catching up, booze and yummy snacks. I am blessed! Stayed the night at my cousin's house...we talked for a very long time and then did our tarot solstice reading...so spot on they were scary. For

my present-the Queen of pentacles...love of luxury, satisfying my needs, sensual and physical. Work hard to get those things so I can sit back and relax and enjoy.

Present Expectations-The Hermit-taking time and finding balance, resting on my staff, accepts the passing of life and knowledge gained. Is alone not lonely, quiet solitude, a little more wary..not so quick to be the fool

What you do not expect-6 of swords- have come through rough times and moving into calmer time, internal move, 6 equals harmony and peace working together.

Near Future-Justice- mental clarity, resolution and balance. Seeing a situation from both sides, impartial lense, red passion and green healing are the colors on the card.

Distant Future- Emperor-protector, wealth, material elements of life, authority, power to influence, real estate dealings.

So those were the cards I pulled and they were profound...speaking to me about so many of the things I have been thinking about while out on the road. I like it...and I love summer solstice.

So, the reasons I want to loose weight...and maybe some of the reasons why I have not been loosing weight???

Reason 1- health, 2- mobility 3- energy 4 roller coasters 5 airplane seats 6 body image 7 clothes 8 ...the list will continue. sighing off!!

The Air Smells Amazing and the sky is like rolling waves on the ocean

Day two of the bravado and the year in the life of a forty four year old! How did it all go today...was I thoughtful when I ate...did I take time to enjoy what i was eating and paying attention.

I thought about the six nuggets as I shoved them in my face before I knew it they were gonzo!

The day was good. Took the doggers for a little longer walk today at two different times. Made myself go a little farther each time. Need to get good summer shoes so I do not have to wear sneakers all the time when I am going to walk...it does make a difference.

The sunset is amazing and the air is even better...wish I could bottle it and pull it out on different occasions just to have a wiff.
What do I feel like writing about tonight as I watch the sun slip away? I am thnking I should get my sneakers back on and take the dog pound out fo a walk. Breathe in the air and watch the sun...there are pockets of natural gas in the air so I need to make sure I go the correct way.

Fortyfour and 1 day.

Today is my Birthday

Bravado....a pretense of courage. A false show of bravery, showy defiance, swaggering behavior.

I am wondering if bravado is the word I really meant? Because if that is the case then I would say that with age comes courage and that is why we set our bravado of youth aside.

June 22, the day of my birth and four years ago the day my father passed away while I was on a cruise for my 40th birthday. I am alone today with the exception of my wonderful doggers...Diezel and Hazelnut! Diezel is an amazing mutt of muttiness that if I could find a way to bread others like him I would...he is a delicate flower, funny, energetic and a beautiful swimmer....someone told me recently that dogs do not have souls....I completely and emphatically disagree! Then there is my Hazelnut...a JRT that is everything they say they are...busy, smart, amazing and just the cutest thing ever. So, back to my birthday spent in the middle of Wyoming...very far away from friends and family. Working in a Pamida setting Nail Polish. That happy event was spent in Greybull, Wyoming. A cute little town with a great walking path and I discovered a great cafe called Lisa's. Driving home before a severe weather watch hit the area.

While sitting at Lisa's they were playing old school music that made me think of my youth...my late teens...working at Bridger Bowl and the bravado I had...the desire to do anything without a lot of for thought!

It is getting late so I am going to work on what is on my mind...my weight, my health, my desire to ride on roller coasters again. It is in my hands...hope over experience...what does that mean exactly? I am now the size of two regular adults...no longer an adult and a small child. I have gained the weight of a small child since my father passed away. I have also gained an incurable rare disease that I do not always admit or buy into because than I feel like it wins. The weight is rediculous...i hate it...but not enough to loose it. Why can I control so many areas of my life but this one. Maybe that is the deal. Everyone in my family has had problems with booze, drugs, gambling, smoking and I have been successful in not falling into those adictions. Perhaps this is my one way to have my own addiction. I know it will kill me, I know it has taken away the quality of life I desire. So here I am the day after summer solstice and the day of my birthday... after a couple of white russians and a large slice of 5 layer chocolate cake in a bar by myself I made a vow to myself...start this blog...write shit down...and focus even more on the weight. Get the F up and walk, move, take the extra steps. The dogs are so happy when they get to go for a walk. Just do it! I am still healthy enough to do this...it scares me to think "what if I could not walk or move?" I look at my cousin who is younger than me by 6 years and her obesity is scary...

Self... I vow to get up and move...walk, play basketball, ride my bike, swim. Eat thoughtfully (even though every time I do eat I do think about it) and healthfully, enjoy the whole foods in my diet. A very colorful diet. I will eat smaller slower bites.

In closing Happy Birthday, Self. May 44 be your year of reaching the goals of weight loss and improved health. Especially preparing for my 50th birthday which will be somewhere in Italy for 2 months. 06223641134

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!