I wanted to be smart enough to keep from getting fat..

Here it is December 14, 2012 and there has been a shooting at a Connecticut school.  20 children lost their lives and 6 teachers one of which was the shooter's mother and the shooter who also killed his brother before starting the rampage.  When President Obama talked about it on TV he cried and became choked up.  (BTW...I love President Obama!) What pushes a person so far that this is their choice to go into a room of kindergarten students and open fire.  Did your mom really piss you off that much?  Are you jealous that she spends time with those kids and did not spend any time with you.  Did she make your girlfriend get an abortion?  I can not believe that somewhere in this kid's world that somebody did not see that he was loosing it.  Did his brother struggle with him over the guns...I am at a loss...crying in public...because I do not have a television...and I was in the midst of writing out my Christmas cards...in light of the shootings I lost my hohoho spirit and had to stop writing out the cards.  What I did do is go get an eggnog latte and 'paid it forward' by buying the next person's coffee.  Should have left a bigger tip.  Next time. 

So, what spurred me on to start writing in my neglected blog?  I have been overwhelmed with thoughts of weight...and the oppression of it all.  Since my last entry I have gained even more weight...now weigh as much as 3 healthy women...awesome.  My scale stopped reading my weight so I currently do not have a clue where I am at.  I do know that I have put myself into a self-induced jail.  A jail...how can that be?  There are no bars around my windows...but I am barred from enjoying some of life's little perks...like skiing, skating, dancing more than half a dance, roller coaster and other carnival rides, seats at events in theaters, going to soccer matches and on and on.  I currently can not remember where I made the discovery that I had placed my self and my soul into a self imposed jail. I am smart enough to not be this fat.  I know the health risks. I know what I should eat and not eat.  I know I should work out, walk, dance, swim, be healthy.  I feel like I have given up.

 Being alone (other than my doggers) does not help.  I am looking at the holidays with such ambiguity that it is not even funny.  Thought I would go to Portland to see the kiddos...but they are lost in their own ambivalence.  An unfinished kitchen, health, relationship, brother still living at house, gumption...
(I just discovered I have been using ambiguous incorrectly...it should be ambivalent)  I have thrown a  couple of different ideas on the table...go to the coast and rent a house...look at the ocean.  I like this idea because yesterday I overheard a gal who is maybe 4-6 years younger than me say that she has never seen the ocean and would really like to.  Wow...wrapping my head around that was tough.  I can not even imagine it.  Or seeing the Grand Canyon or NYC.  There are some places that need to be seen, breathed in...the ocean is a definite.  Well that option has not been responded to and there were only a few  houses available.  Yesterday morning when I awoke to a bluebird day with sun making the snow shine like a bedazzled pillow I texted my nephew-in-law about a trip to Montana for Christmas.  He has never been here in the winter and I coaxed with a trip to the cabin, bonfire, cowboy coffee, cross country skiing, snowmobiling, hot pots in Yellowstone NP, dog sledding, shredding at Bridger Bowl or Big Sky or both, games, family time...alas not a peep.  His mother died unexpectedly last spring and I thought a trip with fun and family would be good for his soul since he is beyond frustrated with the kitchen nonsense and other stuff that he decides to back burner and burn one instead.   With no interest in either of my suggestions...the complacency is difficult to wade through.  Do not want to be alone...do not want to sit and watch TV...and then I think about the families in Connecticut and realize I am just being a selfish B.  Their choice was taken away from them. 

I am floating on a sea of ....do not even know how to finish it.  Moving on...

When my Papa Bear was my age...I was 16.  He still worked 6 graveyards a week, took care of my mom and me and my other siblings that even though they were out of the house still needed his time or his money...which there was not much of either one.  My point is...I need to get off my ass.  There is so much living to do.  He did have a family and business and kiddos and a wonderful granddaughter that needed him.  Having those responsibilities probably kept him going.  Lately I just do not feel like doing anything.  Where have my dreams gone.  I planted them in the garden and they have failed to sprout...I desire to travel but because I am a jailbird I can not even fit my ass onto a plane seat....


Enough...I need to figure this shit out...get smart!!  Smart enough to loose the weight and keep it off!!