Skipped a day...

I was on a road to now where.... cruising through the high mountain deserts of Wyoming with my two little doggers. No book on tape..just radio and cds. Actually made it home just fine. Went to Old Chicago with my girlfriends for a late birthday celebration...had a great time...much laughter, catching up, booze and yummy snacks. I am blessed! Stayed the night at my cousin's house...we talked for a very long time and then did our tarot solstice reading...so spot on they were scary. For

my present-the Queen of pentacles...love of luxury, satisfying my needs, sensual and physical. Work hard to get those things so I can sit back and relax and enjoy.

Present Expectations-The Hermit-taking time and finding balance, resting on my staff, accepts the passing of life and knowledge gained. Is alone not lonely, quiet solitude, a little more wary..not so quick to be the fool

What you do not expect-6 of swords- have come through rough times and moving into calmer time, internal move, 6 equals harmony and peace working together.

Near Future-Justice- mental clarity, resolution and balance. Seeing a situation from both sides, impartial lense, red passion and green healing are the colors on the card.

Distant Future- Emperor-protector, wealth, material elements of life, authority, power to influence, real estate dealings.

So those were the cards I pulled and they were profound...speaking to me about so many of the things I have been thinking about while out on the road. I like it...and I love summer solstice.

So, the reasons I want to loose weight...and maybe some of the reasons why I have not been loosing weight???

Reason 1- health, 2- mobility 3- energy 4 roller coasters 5 airplane seats 6 body image 7 clothes 8 ...the list will continue. sighing off!!

The Air Smells Amazing and the sky is like rolling waves on the ocean

Day two of the bravado and the year in the life of a forty four year old! How did it all go today...was I thoughtful when I ate...did I take time to enjoy what i was eating and paying attention.

I thought about the six nuggets as I shoved them in my face before I knew it they were gonzo!

The day was good. Took the doggers for a little longer walk today at two different times. Made myself go a little farther each time. Need to get good summer shoes so I do not have to wear sneakers all the time when I am going to walk...it does make a difference.

The sunset is amazing and the air is even better...wish I could bottle it and pull it out on different occasions just to have a wiff.
What do I feel like writing about tonight as I watch the sun slip away? I am thnking I should get my sneakers back on and take the dog pound out fo a walk. Breathe in the air and watch the sun...there are pockets of natural gas in the air so I need to make sure I go the correct way.

Fortyfour and 1 day.

Today is my Birthday

Bravado....a pretense of courage. A false show of bravery, showy defiance, swaggering behavior.

I am wondering if bravado is the word I really meant? Because if that is the case then I would say that with age comes courage and that is why we set our bravado of youth aside.

June 22, the day of my birth and four years ago the day my father passed away while I was on a cruise for my 40th birthday. I am alone today with the exception of my wonderful doggers...Diezel and Hazelnut! Diezel is an amazing mutt of muttiness that if I could find a way to bread others like him I would...he is a delicate flower, funny, energetic and a beautiful swimmer....someone told me recently that dogs do not have souls....I completely and emphatically disagree! Then there is my Hazelnut...a JRT that is everything they say they are...busy, smart, amazing and just the cutest thing ever. So, back to my birthday spent in the middle of Wyoming...very far away from friends and family. Working in a Pamida setting Nail Polish. That happy event was spent in Greybull, Wyoming. A cute little town with a great walking path and I discovered a great cafe called Lisa's. Driving home before a severe weather watch hit the area.

While sitting at Lisa's they were playing old school music that made me think of my youth...my late teens...working at Bridger Bowl and the bravado I had...the desire to do anything without a lot of for thought!

It is getting late so I am going to work on what is on my mind...my weight, my health, my desire to ride on roller coasters again. It is in my hands...hope over experience...what does that mean exactly? I am now the size of two regular adults...no longer an adult and a small child. I have gained the weight of a small child since my father passed away. I have also gained an incurable rare disease that I do not always admit or buy into because than I feel like it wins. The weight is rediculous...i hate it...but not enough to loose it. Why can I control so many areas of my life but this one. Maybe that is the deal. Everyone in my family has had problems with booze, drugs, gambling, smoking and I have been successful in not falling into those adictions. Perhaps this is my one way to have my own addiction. I know it will kill me, I know it has taken away the quality of life I desire. So here I am the day after summer solstice and the day of my birthday... after a couple of white russians and a large slice of 5 layer chocolate cake in a bar by myself I made a vow to myself...start this blog...write shit down...and focus even more on the weight. Get the F up and walk, move, take the extra steps. The dogs are so happy when they get to go for a walk. Just do it! I am still healthy enough to do this...it scares me to think "what if I could not walk or move?" I look at my cousin who is younger than me by 6 years and her obesity is scary...

Self... I vow to get up and move...walk, play basketball, ride my bike, swim. Eat thoughtfully (even though every time I do eat I do think about it) and healthfully, enjoy the whole foods in my diet. A very colorful diet. I will eat smaller slower bites.

In closing Happy Birthday, Self. May 44 be your year of reaching the goals of weight loss and improved health. Especially preparing for my 50th birthday which will be somewhere in Italy for 2 months. 06223641134

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!